How Do I Become More Motivated?

A common thing people ask me in my practice is how they can improve their general motivation. They want to study harder, improve their gym consistency, be more self-driven in their businesses… The list goes on.

The answer is not always straightforward and there are often unique psychological and even physiological factors that contribute to low motivation. As one simple example, if it is something specific (like gym or study), there are usually cognitive / emotional aversions that influence our level of motivation. There is one general rule in behavioural psychology however, that will almost guarantee an increase in your general motivation if you’re feeling overall down, lethargic, or just blah....

If you increase your activity level, you will feel more motivated.

Many people are waiting for motivation to come to them. For some this may work, but for the majority, they’re waiting a long time and in the meanwhile their mood drops and they run the risk of becoming depressed.

Instead, we need to just begin something. Anything really that is potentially fun or rewarding or achievement oriented in order for motivation to increase. In order to do this, psychologists encourage something called Behavioural Activation. There is a strong evidence base for Behavioural Activation as a treatment for depression and it is widely adopted in practice today. Behavioural activation sometimes means forcing yourself to engage in activity even if you don’t feel initially motivated to do it.

In case you’re struggling to think of anything, here is a list of 365 activities that might be enjoyable or rewarding for you. From this list, maybe pick a few things that even remotely take your interest and jot them down. Don’t let your brain create excuses for why you can’t / shouldn’t do them. Instead, schedule them immediately in to your coming days/ weeks as non-negotiables. Then as you do them, rate your mood and motivation levels before and after you engage in the activity to test out how Behavioural Activation is working for you.

1. Going to a quiz or trivia night

2. Spending time in nature

3. Watching the clouds drift by

4. Debating

5. Painting my nails

6. Going ice skating, roller skating/blading

7. Scheduling a day with nothing to do

8. Giving positive feedback about something (e.g.

writing a letter or email about good service)

9. Feeding the birds

10. Spending an evening with good friends

11. Making jams or preserves

12. Going out to dinner

13. Buying gifts

14. Having a political discussion

15. Repairing things around the house

16. Washing my car

17. Watching TV, videos

18. Sending a loved one a card in the mail

19. Baking something to share with others (e.g.

family, neighbours, friends, work colleagues)

20. Taking a sauna, spa or a steam bath

21. Having a video call with someone who lives far

away

22. Organising my wardrobe

23. Playing musical instruments

24. Going to the ballet or opera

25. Lighting scented candles, oils or incense

26. Spending time alone

27. Exercising

28. Putting up a framed picture or artwork

29. Flirting

30. Entertaining

31. Riding a motorbike

32. Wine tasting

33. Going to the planetarium or observatory

34. Birdwatching

35. Doing something spontaneously

36. Going on a picnic

37. Having a warm drink

38. Massaging hand cream into my hands

39. Fantasising about the future

40. Laughing

41. Flying a plane

42. Playing tennis or badminton

43. Jogging, walking

44. Going to home opens

45. Researching a topic of interest

46. Going to the beach

47. Redecorating

48. Volunteering for a cause I support

49. Smelling a flower

50. Opening the curtains and blinds to let light in

51. Going to the zoo or aquarium

52. Doing jigsaw puzzles

53. Donating old clothes or items to charity

54. Lying in the sun

55. Learning a magic trick

56. Talking on the phone

57. Listening to a podcast or radio show

58. Walking around my city and noticing

architecture of buildings

59. Doing arts and crafts

60. Going on a ghost tour

61. Sketching, painting

62. Mowing the lawn

63. Going horseback riding

64. Doing the dishes

65. Sitting outside and listening to birds sing

66. Going to a free public lecture

67. Travelling to national parks

68. Going to a fair or fete

69. Playing cards

70. Putting moisturising cream on my face / body

71. Volunteering at an animal shelter

72. Re-watching a favourite movie

73. Gardening

74. Going camping

75. Playing volleyball

76. Going bike riding

77. Entering a competition

78. Doing crossword puzzles

79. Patting or cuddling my pet

80. Cooking a special meal

81. Soaking in the bathtub

82. Having a treatment at a day spa (e.g. facial)

83. Putting extra effort in to my appearance

84. Playing golf

85. Doing a favour for someone

86. Building a bird house or feeder

87. Clearing my email inbox

88. Planting a terrarium

89. Playing lawn games (e.g. bowls, croquet, bocce)

90. Going to a party

91. Getting out of debt/paying debts

92. Seeing and/or showing photos

93. Going on a city tour

94. Going to an agricultural show

95. Flipping through old photo albums

96. Upcycling or creatively reusing old items

97. Going sailing

98. Stretching muscles

99. Maintaining a musical instrument (e.g.

restringing guitar)

100. Playing soccer

101. Buying clothes

102. Going to the botanic gardens

103. Going to a scenic spot and enjoying the view

104. Going to the speedway

105. Snuggling up with a soft blanket

106. Listening to an audiobook

107. Going to see live stand-up comedy

108. Writing down a list of things I am grateful for

109. Maintaining an aquarium

110. Playing Frisbee

111. Teaching a special skill to someone else (e.g.

knitting, woodworking, painting, language)

112. Playing chess (with a friend or at a local club)

113. Going to a games arcade

114. Jumping on a trampoline

115. Sending a text message to a friend

116. Going fishing

117. Doodling

118. Putting a vase of fresh flowers in my house

119. Participating in a protest I support

120. Going to a movie

121. Surfing, bodyboarding or stand up paddle

boarding

122. Baking home-made bread

123. Walking barefoot on soft grass

124. Watching a movie marathon

125. Skipping/ jumping rope

126. Being physically intimate with someone I want

to be close to

127. Going to karaoke

128. Wearing an outfit that makes me feel good

129. Cooking some meals to freeze for later

130. Hobbies (stamp collecting, model building,

etc.)

131. Talking to an older relative and asking them

questions about their life

132. Looking at pictures of beautiful scenery

133. Having family get-togethers

134. Listening to music

135. Learning a new language

136. Taking a free online class

137. Working

138. Washing my hair

139. Singing around the house

140. Going swimming

141. De-cluttering

142. Going rock climbing

143. Whittling

144. Going on a ride at a theme park or fair

145. Arranging flowers

146. Going to the gym

147. Working on my car or bicycle

148. Juggling or learning to juggle

149. Contacting an old school friend

150. Calligraphy

151. Sleeping

152. Driving

153. Going crabbing

154. Playing with my pets

155. Abseiling

156. Going kayaking, canoeing or white-water

rafting

157. Listening to the radio

158. Doing Sudoku

159. Planting vegetables or flowers

160. Walks on the riverfront/foreshore

161. Shooting pool or playing billiards

162. Getting an indoor plant

163. Surfing the internet

164. Doing embroidery, cross stitching

165. Browsing a hardware store

166. Donating blood

167. Buying books

168. Meditating

169. Training my pet to do a new trick

170. Planning a day’s activities

171. Waking up early, and getting ready at a

leisurely pace

172. Going to a Bingo night

173. Playing ping pong / table tennis

174. Buying an ice-cream from an ice-cream truck

175. Going on a hot air balloon ride

176. Sightseeing

177. Organising my work space

178. Dangling my feet off a jetty

179. Writing (e.g. poems, articles, blog, books)

180. Dancing in the dark

181. Listening to classical music

182. Photography

183. Watching funny videos on YouTube

184. Doing something religious or spiritual (e.g.

going to church, praying)

185. Seeing a movie at the drive-in or outdoor

cinema

186. Making my bed with fresh sheets

187. Lifting weights

188. Early morning coffee and newspaper

189. Planning a themed party (e.g. costume, murder

mystery)

190. Wearing comfortable clothes

191. Shining my shoes

192. Acting

193. Meeting new people

194. Doing 5 minutes of calm deep breathing

195. Buying new stationary

196. Turning off electronic devices for an hour (e.g.

computer, phone, TV)

197. Buying music (MP3s, CDs, records)

198. Relaxing

199. Going to a footy game (or rugby, soccer,

basketball, etc.)

200. Going skiing

201. Doing woodworking

202. Planning a nice surprise for someone else

203. Playing video games

204. Holding a garage sale

205. Saying “I love you”

206. Making a playlist of upbeat songs

207. Colouring in

208. Playing laser tag or paintball

209. Joining a community choir

210. Doing a nagging task (e.g. making a phone call,

scheduling an appointment, replying to an email)

211. Taking a ferry ride

212. Shaping a bonsai plant

213. Watching planes take off/ land at the airport

214. Planning my career

215. Reading non-fiction

216. Writing a song or composing music

217. Taking my dog to the park

218. Borrowing books from the library

219. Having a barbecue

220. Sewing

221. Dancing

222. Having lunch with a friend

223. Talking to or introducing myself to my

neighbours

224. Holding hands

225. Having an indoor picnic

226. Reading classic literature

227. Going on a date

228. Taking children places

229. Going whale watching

230. Putting on perfume or cologne

231. Digging my toes in the sand

232. Hitting golf balls at a driving range

233. Reading magazines or newspapers

234. Calling a friend

235. Sending a handwritten letter

236. Going snorkelling

237. Going hiking, bush walking

238. Reading fiction

239. Pampering myself at home (e.g. putting on a

face mask)

240. Watching my children play

241. Going to a community or school play

242. Making jewellery

243. Reading poetry

244. Going to the hills

245. Getting/giving a massage

246. Shooting hoops at the local basketball courts

247. Flying kites

248. Savouring a piece of fresh fruit

249. Playing hockey

250. Eating outside during my lunch break

251. Floating on a pool lounge

252. Making a pot of tea

253. Using special items (e.g. fine china, silver

cutlery, jewellery, clothes, souvenir mugs)

254. Doing a DIY project (e.g. making homemade

soap, making a mosaic)

255. Taking care of my plants

256. Telling a joke

257. Going to a public place and people watching

258. Discussing books

259. Going window shopping

260. Watching boxing, wrestling

261. Giving someone a genuine compliment

262. Practising yoga, Pilates

263. Walking around the block

264. Shaving

265. Genuinely listening to others

266. Participating in a clean-up (e.g. picking up litter

at the beach or park)

267. Eating fish and chips at the beach

268. Rearranging the furniture in my house

269. Doing water aerobics

270. Blowing bubbles

271. Buying new furniture

272. Going to a free art exhibition

273. Making a ‘To-Do’ list of tasks

274. Travelling abroad, interstate or within the state

275. Having quiet evenings

276. Geocaching

277. Singing in the shower

278. Browsing at a second hand book shop

279. Test driving an expensive car

280. Refurbishing furniture

281. Exchanging emails, chatting on the internet

282. Knitting/crocheting/quilting

283. Napping in a hammock

284. Skipping stones on the water

285. Doing ballet, jazz/tap dancing

286. Archery

287. Going on a Segway tour

288. Visiting a grandparent

289. Making a gift for someone

290. Having discussions with friends

291. Trying a new recipe

292. Playing cricket

293. Signing up for a fun run

294. Scrapbooking

295. Accepting an invitation

296. Cooking an international cuisine

297. Solving riddles

298. Scuba diving

299. Watching home videos

300. Building a sand castle

301. Planning a holiday

302. Sitting at the beach or river and watching the

movement of the water

303. Watching fireworks

304. Making home-made pizza

305. Cheering for a sports team

306. Origami

307. Doing something nostalgic (e.g. eating a

childhood treat, listening to music from a

certain time in my life)

308. Joining a club (e.g. film, book, sewing, etc.)

309. Lighting candles

310. Going bowling

311. Going to museums, art galleries

312. Reading comics

313. Having coffee at a cafe

314. Trying new hairstyles

315. Taking a road trip

316. Watching a fireplace or campfire

317. Whistling

318. Playing darts

319. Going to a flea market

320. Working from home

321. Buying a meal from a food truck or hawkers

market and eating outdoors

322. Operating a remote control car / plane

323. Playing board games (e.g. Scrabble, Monopoly)

324. Savouring a piece of chocolate

325. Hunting for a bargain at an op shop, garage

sale or auction

326. Buying, selling stocks and shares

327. Going to plays and concerts

328. Buying fresh food at the market

329. Beachcombing

330. Dining out at a restaurant or café

331. Harvesting home grown produce

332. Exploring with a metal detector

333. Giving someone a hug

334. Taking a holiday

335. Going to the hairdresser or barber

336. Swimming with dolphins

337. Picking flowers

338. Sandboarding

339. Going to the beauty salon

340. Buying myself something nice

341. Playing squash

342. Watching a sunset or sunrise

343. Star gazing

344. Watching a funny TV show or movie

345. Making pottery, or taking a pottery class

346. Playing mini golf

347. Recycling old items

348. Going to a water park

349. Practising karate, judo

350. Boxing a punching bag

351. Cleaning

352. Driving a Go Kart

353. Daydreaming

354. Learning about my family tree

355. Picking berries at a farm

356. Watching kids play sport

357. Setting up a budget

358. Writing a positive comment on a website

/blog

359. Getting a manicure or pedicure

360. Collecting things (coins, shells, etc.)

361. Eating something nourishing (e.g. chicken

soup)

362. Babysitting for someone

363. Taking a class (e.g. cooking, improvisation,

acting, art)

364. Combing or brushing my hair

365. Writing diary/journal entries

*List adopted from the Centre for Clinical Interventions.

A Unique Opportunity to Work on Ourselves

Much of the world has been seemingly placed on pause at the moment. Many people have been placed in challenging situations regarding their employment or inability to access the services they previously required. In my practice I have been witnessing significant decline in many people’s mental health over the past fortnight due to circumstances being taken out of their control. So how do we adopt an attitude of resilience at this time and focus on the things that are within our control rather than being overwhelmed by that which is not? Here are some tips I am sharing with my clients at the moment…

First is to focus on our thinking. I am prone to a bit of catastrophic thinking, I’ll happily admit to this. How’s yours right now? Are you able to call yourself on your own BS you have playing in your head about the world around you? Do your thoughts end in doom and gloom for yourself, your family, your life? If so, now is the perfect time to change this.

Stop.

Breathe… (now more slowly and deeply, twice if not three times)…

Step back from social media, the news, people with pervasively pessimistic opinions.

Ask yourself these questions: “What evidence do I actually have that this catastrophic end I am imagining is going to eventuate? (feeling like something is true doesn’t mean for a second that it is - you’re feelings are NOT always reliable assessors of reality). What evidence can I find to suggest that it actually might not happen? What would someone older/ wiser/ kinder say to me if I shared my fears with them?”

These questions can help give us some perspective on our thinking always with the goal of bringing us back to the present.

Second is to focus in on our selves and ways we can improve. You have the time right now to do this. I know, you’re kids are climbing the walls and have completed their online school work by 840 am but if you really want to, you can make the time (a lot of other activities are no longer options at the moment, right? How can you take advantage of this time). Self-work is non-negotiable for many mental health professionals. It’s like brushing your teeth for psychologists. Without reflection on ourselves we stagnate and become unhelpful to our clients.

Making your self improvement a non-negotiable part of your week validates your growth and evolution as a human being. Now is a great time to do this, particularly in Australia where all online counselling (phone and video based psychology sessions) are open to the public and are wholly bulk billed under a MHCP. This is an amazing time if you have ever been interested in doing counselling with a professional that may have been out of your reach financially in the past. Reach out to someone who specialises in something you are struggling with and see if they are offering this service - you are no longer limited to people in your home town. Check out psychology today to find someone;

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/counselling

Amazing!

Alternatively, the NY Public Library released a free App this past fortnight with 300,000 of its books available to read for free to the world. 300,000!!! Search away for self development opportunities. The app is called SimplyE.

Third is to focus on RAP. I say this again and again but Responsibilities, Achievements, Pleasures. There are some incredible resources becoming available to the world currently online for fun and entertaining activities, learning opportunities and growth. Use this global pause to lay down new routines for yourself that will serve your future self well. This is your only responsibility to yourself at this time. Create new habits in mindful activities - reading, meditation, puzzles, gardening, art….

Be kind to yourself. Now as always…

Self Isolating for your Mental Health this Flu Season

We’re seeing plenty of governmental and health professional directives at the moment to self-isolate at the early signs of flu symptoms. This all makes sense logically now that we know the extent of the Corona Virus and its potential for transmission but really, the same rules ought to apply whenever we are harboring a fugitive infection that’s transmissible (cold, flu, etc)…

It’s like the introverted person’s dream –

isolate, isolate, isolate

in neon banners and every media platform.

I remain somewhat in jest but I wanted to write this brief post to talk about how to stay healthy mentally if you’re sick and have to isolate for a while. Actually, even if you’re not sick and are instead imposing self isolation for anxiety or other-based reasons, these following few pointers are worth taking into consideration.

1)      Remain with the RAP rule. Responsibilities, Achievements, Pleasures. Find balance in these activities even when you are housebound. It might end up resulting in quite a productive time in isolation

Even when you are sick, do your best to get something small done around the house. Or, maybe aim to tick off something on a to do list you’ve been unable to for a while (like this article: I’m home sick with the flu ATM), and continue to do good things for yourself. Take care of yourself with healthy food etc sure, but go above and beyond and enjoy an extra long hot shower or read a book if this is your thing.

2)      Strike a balance between having a routine and sloth-ing… When we’re sick, we just want to sloth. I get it. But try to retain some routine if you can during your days at home.

3)      Make your life easier where you can. Order your shopping online, cook for a couple of days at a time one day to take pressure off the next…

4)      Keep checks on your Screen time… All rules seem to go out the window when we’re sick. It’s understandable: We’re tired, lethargic, and feeling unmotivated so the lure of the screen monster is understandable. Still, excessive screen time may have a negative effect on your sleep, increase your anxiety around Corona virus, and means that your balance of RAP will become out of whack.

5)      Make regular check-ins with people. Create, maintain, and engage with people in your network. Send a letter to that uncle that too often gets forgotten… speak everyday with at least one person ideally.

6)      Continue to access nature and sunlight wherever possible.

7)      The basics. Exercise wherever you can, eat well (don’t rely on uber eats everyday), and stay well hydrated…

8)      Avoid burnout from the pandemic hype by;

• Acknowledging your uncertainties as they arise

• Pause and breathe instead of reacting

• Pull back from your worrying thoughts. Remind yourself they are only thoughts or feelings. Don’t believe everything you think. Thoughts are not statements of facts.

• Let go of thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to respond to them.

• Explore the present moment instead of getting caught up with the future based anxious thoughts. Be mindful.

stay healthy everyone. wash hands. repeat… :o)

How to Process Emotions

Many of the people I meet in my practice want to stop being affected negatively by past events or experiences. But what does this really take? One answer, is the processing of emotions that are attached to the memories. So I thought I would take a brief look here at what ‘processing’ really looks like.

There are many forms of psychotherapy out there. In my Gold Coast psychology practice, I adopt an individually tailored approach that adopts aspects from several of the alphabet soup collection of evidence-based therapies. You may have heard of some of them; Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Motivational Interviewing (MI) and Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing (EMDR). The reason I mention these is that regardless of what therapeutic modality we adopt to build new skills, the underlying ‘processing of emotions’ remains a necessary component of our healing and runs as an undercurrent throughout your psychology sessions.

This is what emotional processing looks like in step by step form. You don’t need a therapist to do this, though a helpful and non-judgmental person may help you along the way for reflection and encouragement.

1)      Notice: Pay attention to your emotional state when either recalling a past memory or in-the-moment when your emotions are triggered. Take a deep breath. Feel. Don’t think. Feel. Notice what is happening. Bring your attention to your present experience as much as you can.

2)      Name it/ them: State what you feel. “I am sad” “I feel angry”. If you can’t pinpoint a word, try an emotion wheel like this one (I’ve left it big so you can print it out for the fridge if you like).

3)      Feel it: Stay with the feeling, even if it is hard. Notice what it feels like in your body. Stick with it through your discomfort. These are only feelings.  

4)      Relax into it: Take a few deep breaths. Notice if the feeling changes or shifts. DON’T JUDGE YOUR EXPERIENCE. Notice how your mind may try to take you out of it.

That’s it… Processing your emotions is one of the simplest yet most challenging things we face psychologically as overthinking human beings. Research indicates that the more skilled you are at doing this though, the less intra-personal (within yourself) and interpersonal (with others) conflicts you will face.

Keeping a journal can help to take this experience further or help you to deeper understand yourself. It can also help you see patterns in your thinking-feeling relationship and what triggers pop up frequently in your life.

Moving your body can be a really helpful way to process some of the physiological energy that emotions create. Dancing, yoga, running etc. Express the emotional state you are feeling. There are healthy ways to express all of the human emotions that don’t involve harming yourself or anyone else in any way.

Take care everyone and be kind to yourself. If you want some practice processing emotions, drop in to our Burleigh Heads psychology clinic or email me directly for more information.  

Note: If you’re reading this and are experiencing suicidal thoughts and have not practiced something like this before, I urge you not to, and instead call Lifeline (131114) or the Acute Care Team (1300 MH CALL) if you do not feel safe.

Likewise, if this practice becomes too overwhelming, I encourage you to enlist the help of a mental health professional for support. Don’t judge yourself. It’s just a practice like any new skill.

What's Your Money Personality?

Money is one of the most common reasons for divorces on the Gold Coast and contributes to many of the disagreements couples have. But what is a money personality and how can learning about this improve the way we communicate about money in our relationships?

There is a committed branch of psychology dedicated to personality studies. Thousands of personality questionnaires designed to determine every aspects of your personality whether for the purpose of job suitability, psychopathology, the Big 5 Factors (Extraversion, Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Emotional Stability and Intellect), or the many other curiosities of your personalities that influence your behaviour.  Your money personality can be understood as the way that you feel and think about money and can be determined by analysing your behaviours around money.

Although there are several ways to define a money personality, whether by morals and beliefs or behavioural patterns for example, I find the most helpful to be the most practical definition. For this reason, here are five primary money personalities descriptions taken from renowned money relationship experts, Bethany & Scott Palmer. Have a read through and see which you gravitate to the most.

Savers

Get a genuine rush from saving money

Are organised, responsible and trustworthy when it comes to finances

Rarely spend impulsively

Avoid credit card debt

A joy stealer for the sake of money

Focussed on financial goals

May be viewed as cheap

Spenders

Love to buy things for other people

Get a thrill from the purchase

Impractical and impulsive purchases often

Noncommunicative around their spending decisions

Often filled with regret

May often break the budget

Risk Takers

Are a big picture person

Love finding the next adventure

Get excited by possibility

Listens to your gut

Aren’t afraid to make decisions

Blinded by possibility

May be resented by those more cautious with money

Can be impatient at times

Security Seeker

An investigator around their spending decisions

Trustworthy

Willing to sacrifice an item for security

Prepared for anything

Can be overly negative

Can get stuck in a research rut

May stifle creativity and possibilities

Flyer

Basically, content with life and do not think about money at all

Big on relationships

Happy to let someone else take care of your finances

Not motivated by money

Can be reactionary and therefore can end up in money trouble

Lack in skills to solve money troubles as they arise

May be disorganised when it comes to money

Can be un-responsible in terms of money (not irresponsible, just not so concerned by it)

In reading through these descriptions were you saying to yourself, ‘OMG that is totally me!’? Great, then this is your primary money personality. You may have also found that you saw aspects of more than one money personality in yourself. Even better.

Now, before you read further it is thought that we actually have two money personalities so I’d like you to go back and read through the descriptions again and try and see which other is like you too (maybe just some of the time). This is your secondary money personality. If you have struggled with this activity and do not resonate with these descriptions, you can take a 10-minute free quiz online by Scott and Bethany Palmer for a personalised report sent to your inbox.

The fascinating thing is that often our own money personalities clash, both within our two personalities and between ours and our partner’s. For instance, imagine if your primary money personality is a shrewd security seeker yet your secondary personality is a spender. At one moment you’re investigating the detail of your next purchase and in the next your wanting to impulse purchase an electric bike (real life example BTW). Or maybe you have a risk-taking spending partner, yet you are more conservative in your spending. You can imagine the conflict occurring.

In order to find balance and understanding, awareness is, as always, paramount. Being mindful of you and your partners’ money personalities can help you to reduce strong unhealthy biases in your behaviour and encourage empathy and understanding in your relationship when money becomes a conversation topic. So, if you’ve figured out your money personalities, get your partner to identify theirs too so that you can figure out why the clashes are occurring. There are relative strengths and weaknesses to each of the money personalities and appreciating the uniqueness of yours and theirs can help bring you closer together.

If you are interested in discussing this further with a Gold Coast Psychologist, please get in touch to see how we can help.

Struggle to Set Boundaries in Your Relationships?

Whether with family, relationships, work or friends, if you struggle to set healthy boundaries, this article is for you!

Not setting healthy boundaries manifests explicitly in allowing others to place demands on you beyond what you feel comfortable with. At times it may be more hidden. For example, the negative way your partner talks to/ about you. Regardless of the exact situation, the reality for most people is that when they are not setting clear boundaries, they just don’t feel good about themselves.

The essence of poor boundary setting is that it is difficult asking for what you really want. Many of my clients identify that this is due to concerns around denial, rejection, or loss. The context of asking for what we want may be specific to one relationship or generalised to many. If the latter, it is worth considering how your sense of self-worth/ esteem is a contributing factor.

Struggling to set boundaries

↓

Ask yourself, “What don’t I want or like in this dynamic?”

↓

“What do you need?”

↓

Be transparent and assertive about that

Being assertive can be challenging if it is new to you. A simple model to follow is saying how YOU feel or think, what it is the other person is doing that you don’t like, and what YOU want. And always be specific. Here are a couple of examples to this model in practice…

Your colleague keeps giving you their work to do.

↓

“I don’t want to stay so late at work anymore to do someone else’s work.”

↓

“I want to leave work on time and do the work I am assigned.”

↓

Say “I won’t be able to help with that. I need to focus on my own assignments this week and leave the office at 5 o’clock.

OR;

Your friend makes fun of you in front of other friends.

↓

“I don’t like being made into the joke”

↓

“I need my friend to be considerate of my feelings and to feel comfortable in social situations”

↓

Say “I was not okay with it when you made me the joke in front of our friends. When we are together, I expect you to be considerate of my feelings”.

As with all new skills, this is a practice. Gold Coast Psychologist Tristan Abba can support you to hone this skill and other non-avoidance strategies like this. The more you do it the easier it will become and the better you will feel about engaging in it and yourself. Remember, the first time is often the most difficult.

Examples above adapted from Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist, Elizabeth Earnshaw

Coping with Anxiety and Stress this Bushfire Season

In the midst of Australia battling some of the worst bush fires it has ever seen, it has been impossible to avoid the media coverage of the events unfolding around our country. The click bait links to red skies, Armageddon like visions of people stranded on beaches and singed koalas been fed water by firefighters are unmissable. This all taking place not all that far from my home in the Gold Coast. It made me begin to wonder the cumulative effect of this on our anxiety and stress levels. It’s interesting also in the context of this new year time, when people have come off the back of depleted nervous systems following a week of excessive booze, unbalanced meal plans and dealing with Auntie Sherryl’s opportune comments over Xmas. At a time when anxiety is already potentially heightened from people’s own self-development expectations as a new year looms.

I notice the public riled up. Angry and blaming towards a government head as he is the easiest target to cast fear driven shame. Climate change becomes a daily conversation and everyone is an expert it seems. Now, before I give you some functional psychological strategies for this time of our lives, here are some ways you might be making your anxiety and stress worse this fire season.

1.       Trying to force people to agree with your climate change perspectives

2.       Avoiding everyone who seems anxious or distressed

3.       Surrounding yourself with solely anxious or distressed people

4.       Quickly borrowing solutions to the fire crisis from people you follow on social media or ‘experts’

5.       You act as though the apocalyptic view of Australia portrayed on histrionic media stations is actually true

6.       Using all of your energy to focus on raising others from their naivety and ignore your own needs and your family

7.       Focussing more on Scomo’s behaviours around people instead of your own

8.       Venting to others without first calming yourself down to a rational level

9.       Over-functioning for Australia or your immediate surroundings when you feel frustrated

10.   Convincing yourself that the Prime Minister must change in order for you to calm down

All of these are stop gap measures to relieve our anxiety or stress. But they do little to increase our capacity to endure and tolerate these experiences. These actions make us sensitive to dramatic news stories and distract us from being our best, more logical calm selves.

On the opposite spectrum, here are the opposite of these behaviours. People who manage these are more likely to be calmer as a population during challenging times.

1.       They develop their own balanced opinions on this situation over time instead of borrowing them from others

2.       They respond based on the facts rather than their (or others’) imagination

3.       They can be around climate change sceptics and Greta alike and feel able to think for themselves

4.       They try to self-regulate before asking to be reassured

5.       They can be flexible in their thinking around the fires, climate change, and yes, even Scomo

6.       They focus on managing themselves rather than changing others

7.       They accept that anxiety is a natural part of real psychological growth

Please take care fellow Australians whether you are immediately affected by the bush fires or not. Although I don't want to minimise the travesty of this fire season, I don’t think it is helpful to magnify it. This is not the end of our beautiful sunburnt country. There will no doubt be significant change from it. And I only hope that learnings will come to people with power from this experience. Right now, much is out of our control yet our reactions, our anxiety in the face of these situations can be helped.

I have no professional training on climate change, fire fighting, politics and indeed, the Apocalypse. Although reading between my satirical lines you may find a personal opinion on these matters, my intention was not to push one. I have the deepest respect for the firefighters working in their roles and the greatest of sympathy to those who have lost lives, loved ones, or their homes in these blazes.

Christmas and your Mental Health

Christmas in the Abba house

Christmas can be all sorts of things. You may hate it. You may love it. Our past experiences dictate this to a great extent. Were your expectations met in your past or did Christmas feel like a disappointment or worse?

Christmas may evoke feelings of inadequacy, lack, loneliness, uncomfortable reminders of family presence or non-presence, memories you'd rather leave in the past... Maybe these are shrouded by negativity towards Christmas or you use the 'commercialisation of Christmas' as an excuse to avoid facing your true feelings about this time of year.

What legacy of Christmas would you rather leave for your children, present or future? How can you show gratitude for the year that has been, and those closest to you.

At some point of the past few years I began to let go of my adversity to Christmas (my wife is basically a Christmas elf so it wore my grinchness down after a while). Then I realised the opportunity to make this time of year something amazing for my own children (plus they're great free helpers for sticking stamps on cards to say thanks to the many many doctors who refer to me each year enabling me to carry on the work that I do).

Happy holiday season everyone. My practice is closed from Christmas eve this year until 6th January. If you need urgent support during this time please call Lifeline (131114) or Beyond Blue (1300224636). I will be, as always, available by email within a 24 hour time frame to all of my clients.

#christmassy #family #elves #lifeline #beyondblue #Canva

Assertive Communication

One of the most valuable things I have learnt in my career as a psychologist, drug and alcohol counsellor, group facilitator has been Assertive Communication. I won’t go into detail as the image here describes it wonderfully. The nuances between passive, assertive, and aggressive communication styles are clear and can make for dramatic improvements to your relationships with others.

Be kind to yourself in reading these. We all fall into the traps of passive or aggressive communication at times but the key is to note when we have done it and make amends- to ourselves or others. Then gently and with courage bring our primary pattern of communication back to assertiveness.

Thanks to https://www.get.gg/selfhelp.htm for the image.