Don't Let This Thought Ruin Your Day

Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Okay, the truth is that there are so many specific thoughts that could be potential culprits here but I wanted a catchy headline so apologies for misleading you. But… What if i could give you a list of the most common general thoughts that trip up everyone at some time or another and leave us feeling angry, shameful, stressed or depressed? Then if you can recognise that you are thinking (or are about to think) one of these, you are empowered to stop this thought ruining your day by coming up with a more reasonable, kind, or self-empowering thought. Wouldn’t that be great!?

The thoughts I’m talking about here psychologists refer to as Cognitive Distortions (Cognitive=thought, Distortion=misleading). Now I must admit, when I was learning this stuff back in second year Cognitive Psychology, I never liked the term Cognitive Distortion much so let’s just call them Brain Farts. It’s kind of apt, it’s less technical, and, well, it sounds funnier…

Believe it or not, brain farts are there to protect you. They provide an immediate go-to thought in new, challenging or stressful situations when your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain best adept at complex thought processing) isn’t engaged. Doesn’t make sense? You’re thinking, ‘in challenging situations, my prefrontal lobes are totally active and that’s how I solve the problem’. And yes, you’re correct. At the end of your challenging situation this is often the case but at the acute, beginning point of challenge or stress, your brain is in survival mode where you need to react to survive. Thinking and considering various options doesn’t help when you are faced with an angry moose (moose are really angry creatures I learnt recently). When faced with an angry moose, you need to react in order to survive and your brain knows this, so it generally shuts out your complex / creative thinking prefrontal cortex and instead relies on tried and tested automatic algorithms of thought that were designed many evolutionary years ago to get you out of danger. Unfortunately, it is these same algorithms that can sometimes seep into your consciousness at times when you don’t need them (i.e., non-moose situations). And this is how the evolution of brain farts (cognitive distortions) has transpired.

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From here on,  I’m going to use one, single common situation here that could very well occur in your day to help you to see how each of these brain farts (BF) can accidentally emerge (pardon the pun). The hypothetical scenario we’re going to imagine is when another driver pulls in front of us quickly but we didn’t see them because we were texting or checking our phone. With this, we will explore the various ways we might cognitively react to this experience.

Brain Fart #1: ‘all drivers are such idiots’ ‘everyone in this city drives like shit’ OR, ‘it’s not safe to drive on the roads ever anymore’ ‘I’m always nearly having crashes’

In these examples, we are Overgeneralising by using one (or a few) experiences to generalise extensively. Look for the words always or never in your thoughts. Overgeneralising often leaves us feeling negative towards others or if it involves self-blame, negative towards ourselves.

Brain Fart #2: ‘It must have been an Asian/ white / male/ female/ young/ old / sportscar/ truck drivers’ (you choose the stereotype you most often fall back on).

Here we are Jumping to Conclusions. We didn’t see the other driver. Sure it explains the event and displaces blame from ourselves but it can also create misplaced anger and ongoing unnecessary resentment to certain people (or types of people) in this case. Not a happy way to start your day.

Brain Fart #3: ‘OMFG, i nearly crashed and if i did i would have to call mum and OMG I wouldn’t have a car and how will i get to work and i’ll lose my job but i don’t have the money to fix the car and i’ll have to borrow money from somewhere or i’ll lose my job and then i’ll become destitute and then i’ll won’t be able to pay my rent and i’ll have to … etc etc’ OR ‘i’m never going to drive again because it’s just too risky’

Okay, you get where I’m going with this. This is called Catastrophising and it is the hallmark of anxious thinking destined to increase your stress levels and ruin your day. As soon as you start thinking ‘what if…’, pull yourself up

Brain Fart #4 & #5: ‘I’m such an idiot, I shouldn’t have been texting’ OR ‘what an idiot, he should have been watching where he was going, what is he, blind?!’

These are both examples of two common TFs; Labelling and Should Statements. Labelling is really useful for fight/ flight situations when we need a quick solution. With time, a reasoned approach to this scenario might be that both drivers were in some ways at fault but in an emotion-fuelled moment, the brain will often resort to ‘us vs them’ logic and attribute blame wherever it is most in a habit of doing, leaving us occasionally feeling better in the case of self-righteous indignation but often worse in the longer term.

Shoulds, oughts, musts, are all telltale words to look out for in your thoughts. They’re absolute rules there for our brain to provide quick solutions but often leave us feeling negative, rigid, or shameful.

Brain Fart #6: ‘They cut me of because they didn’t like me’ ‘That truck driver must have cut me off because I have such a lame looking car’ ‘people have no respect for older drivers’

Here is an example of personalisation or taking responsibility for things that are not (solely in this case) our fault. In the scenario described, there are many possible reasons why the other driver cut you off. Personalisation of the event is possible though often improbable where a more simple explanations is more likely. The other driver didn’t see you, or simply misjudged their lane change perhaps?... Maybe they’re just having a bad day, maybe they’re trying to get their wife in labour to emergency? Who knows but more often than not, it has nothing specifically to do with you. Personalisation emerges frequently in people with more fragile sense of selves or lower self esteem. Be mindful of thoughts that involve self-blame and take a moment to analyse these.

Brain Fart #7: ‘All male/ female/ young/ old/ Asian/ white/ truck/ sportscar/ Holden/ Ford drivers are bad drivers’

This is called ‘All or Nothing’ or Dichotomous Thinking. It’s fraught with danger because there are no absolutes in this amazing world we live in. We all make mistakes and there are plenty of white/ asian/ male/ female/ young/ old/ truck/ sportscar/ Holden/ Ford drivers out there with all sorts of grey degrees of driving skills, right? Worse yet, if you are applying dichotomous thinking to yourself such as in ‘if i’m not perfect i’m a failure’, it is toxic! Allowing more shades of grey into your mind will enable you more cognitive peace.

TF #9: ‘I’m so angry now because of that driver!’

Final Brain Fart for this scenario is probably the most common because it is so easy for us to fall into the trap of. In this example, we are straight-out Blaming someone else for the way that we feel. ‘BUT IT’S THEIR FAULT!’, I hear you yell. Well, even if it was wholly their fault and you weren’t texting and even if they cut you off on purpose and even if they flicked you the bird as they did it and they yelled out “lame car” to you, here’s the clicker, and I say this to almost every one of my clients;

You, and only you, are responsible solely for the way that you feel.

So own this responsibility. Change your thoughts and your feelings can follow or accept your feelings and watch them pass. Either way, don’t blame them on someone else. This will only leave you feeling disempowered and definitely ruin your day.

If you want more information about brain farts or more diverse scenarios where they might be applying to your life, search Cognitive Distortions (brain farts might not come up with what you’re looking for). I covered some common ones here but there are many others including Magnification, Minimisation, & Emotional Reasoning. The point of knowing this information is bringing aware to your own cognitive tendencies and over time practicing new and more helpful self-talk to replace them.

Take care people and be kind to yourself, always.

Oh, and don’t text and drive…

Tips For Getting Through The Midweek Slump

“He who has a Why to live for, can bear almost any how”

Viktor Frankl (from Nietzsche)

(1) Learn something new

Even if you’re at the seemingly, most monotonous job devised in the entire planet, try to create the possibility of learning something new within it. There are a myriad of ways to do this. At the simplest, it’s honing a work task you are already doing, or improving your personal pace in which you complete this task.

If work time absolutely doesn’t permit learning while at work (insert facepalm emoji), use your lunch break to study something of interest. Coursera is an example of a website where you can access hundreds of diverse professional development or simply personal-curiosity courses. From the Indigenous History of Canada to AI Machine Learning, plenty of the courses listed are free unless you want certification at completion. Block out your Wednesday lunchtime every week for study and you’ll look forward to the time every week instead of dreading it.

(2) Set Wednesday as intention day

Just like the study idea above, Wednesday is now your intention day.

Every Wednesday before work for example, add something new to your exercise routine. What’s that? You don’t have an exercise routine!? Well, Wednesdays are a great place to start!!! Even if you hate exercise or are limited in what you can do, try a walk around the block every Wednesday morning before work. Even mild exercise triggers the release of serotonin and dopamine, neurotransmitters that are associated with more positive mood. Numerous studies also demonstrate that optimism is positively correlated to the amount of exercise you do. If you can start the day feeling more positive and optimistic, surely that 2 hour afternoon update meeting will be more bearable.

Whatever your intention is, It should leave you feeling genuinely good about yourself or, if it’s set for after work, something you are going to look forward to every week. Remember, as Da Vinci is famously quoted, “Being willing is not enough, we must do”. So, don’t just have the intention, implement it!

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(3) Change your mindset

Okay, easier said than done I know, so let’s be more specific.

You are responsible for your feelings. Your environment / your boss isn’t solely to blame. One way to change your feelings is to change your thoughts. This is the foundations of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) adopted almost universally in one form or another by psychologists. So…,what are you telling yourself about Wednesdays that make them feel so damn long? I’ll give you some examples to consider...

(i) Is it that you are thinking that the weekend is so far away? In this case, you must have something amazing to look forward to on the weekend, right? Well, this is a great thing neurologically speaking, as you have excited cognitive energy to burn. Try and find something within your workday that you can apply this excited energy to, and your day will fly by. Note that you don’t need to find something as exciting as what the weekend will hold, just something you can apply your excitement to.

(ii) Maybe it is that you think that your work is boring / unstimulating? Humans have a tendency to generalise our perceptions of reality in order to navigate the world more efficiently. This generalising, though, is a cognitive flaw that can leave you believing that the whole of your work sucks when really it is just few things about it. Okay, maybe it’s 90%, I don’t know. In this case, seek out that 10% that doesn’t and be sure as hell to reflect on, or do these things on a Wednesday.

(iii)  Or, is it the most frequent of complaints of dissatisfaction at work; your boss? I’m sorry you have a horrible boss, I really am. I can’t change this and maybe you can’t either right now. So what is in your control here? Remember, your thoughts affect your feelings so take control of your thoughts. As surprising as it might seem, no-one can make you feel anything. I must say this to almost everyone of my clients at some time or another. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of believing that it is someone else’s fault that you are feeling inadequate, disrespected, unimportant, or even unloved at work or elsewhere. The slap in the face is that it’s not. It is your perception of other people and events that leave you feeling a certain way. So change the unhelpful thoughts that you are thinking about your boss. Take personal responsibility for the value that you are placing on what your boss says. Is it really as important as you are making it out to be? Will what they just said matter as much in a year’s time?

Take personal responsibility for the choice that you are making to stay at your job (see 5.). It’s not your boss’ fault that you continue to work there if you don’t want to (often quite the opposite in fact ironically). Face any resentment you feel head-on.

(4) Take a plant to work Wednesday

Preparation is the key to success. So, arm yourself with everything you have if you know midweek is going to be rough. Chances are if you’re reading this you’ve been at your same workplace a while and your desk is set up just-so from the first week you started. Unfortunately, the brain stops attending to repeated information after a while as it’s not beneficial to your survival. So give your brain some new material to process. Take a new drawing that one of your kids did each Wednesday to put up next to your computer or a new photo of someone important to you or somewhere special. Alternatively, bring in a diffuser and get some essential oils to freshen up your senses. Trial some different oils to see which brightens your mood.

Alternatively, buy four new pot plants from home and bring in a new one each Wednesday. Create a cycle of the four plants so that they get sun at your home for three weeks so they can endure a week of dungeon living at your desk. Plants release valuable oxygen to your environment and as a result of this and perhaps just their visual appeal, are reported to improve cognitive skills such as concentration, and also reduce stress and anxiety.

(5) Ask the question...

Now..., there is a premise somewhere in this article, and actually in the whole concept of Wednesday-humpday, that you don’t like working in your current job, right? Or is it simply that you prefer your life outside of work to your life at work?

Well, if either of these ring true to you then you’re not alone, though this doesn’t need to be the case. Here is a question I suggest you ask yourself; Are you, in some way, in some capacity, acting towards making your work-life more enjoyable or making it AS enjoyable as your non-work-life? And, if you are not, then why not? We live in an age where career changes at any age are almost a necessity rather than a choice, and there are more avenues for alternative income production than at any time in the past. The days of 9-5 are past for many. Why are you not pursuing something that you have always wanted to do? Money? Fear of failure? Of judgment? Something else? I encourage you to speak to a good friend/ psychologist / mentor / whoever about these. These are not insurmountable barriers to you being happier at work and in life.

Job satisfaction is a fascinating topic that has plagued economists and psychologists in the face of dissatisfied employees. The predictable doesn’t hold true in the research results. Money doesn't improve job satisfaction after a point, working as a garbage-man isn’t the least satisfying job, etc. What does predict job satisfaction more than anything else is the meaning that you place on your work. So, finally, find your why. Take personal responsibility and find or make meaning in your employment, current or your next.

Take care people.

Tristan

"Am I Drinking Too Much?"

This question is a quandary that many of the people I meet in my private practice are faced with. Maybe your family or friends have told you that you are. Maybe you have encountered issues with the law because of your behaviour whilst drinking. Maybe your doctor has indicated it is an issue. Or maybe you are noticing the effects your alcohol use is having on your physiological/ psychological well-being.

Not surprisingly, there is no cut and dry answer that can be generalised to answer this question for all people. For each of the above possibilities however, a different set of reflections may help to guide you.

Friends & Family

In the case of family and friends telling you to change your ways, ask yourself, what is it specifically that they are wanting you to change? What effect is your drinking having on them? Is the family budget being affected, is your functional capacity at home inadequate, is it that your commitment to the family seems diminished, your behaviour, your moods? While reflecting on these, try to answer the question, how important is my drinking to me? Is it more important than my family/ my friends? There is a well known adage in AA that a person has to hit ‘rock bottom’ before they finally decide to change. Now, everybody’s ‘rock bottom’ is obviously different. For some it may be an argument with a spouse that gets out of hand, for others it might be an unending cycle of addiction that results in homelessness. There’s some significant individual variance. Whatever it is for you, it is worthwhile reflecting on.

Legal Issues

I have spent many years in various roles working with both mandated and voluntary clients who have had issues with the law because of their drug/ alcohol use. As you may know, just like the law is not a sufficient deterrent from people using drugs, it is also not sufficient to keep people out of trouble whilst drinking. Alcohol has such a deleterious effect on our brain’s decision-making capacity that the implications of the law often slip through people’s drunken consciousness without consideration. If you are having issues with the law because of drinking, does this mean you are drinking too much though? Not necessarily, though it does suggest that the way in which you are drinking may need looking at. Are you drinking and driving? Are you drinking to excess in a location which is likely to cause you trouble? Does alcohol have such an effect on you that a run in with the law is inescapable? What is your relationship with alcohol and what does alcohol bring out in you that doesn’t agree with the expectations of our society?

Your GP

The next reflection is potentially easier than the others. Just do what your doctor says, right? :o) A doctor’s assessment is directed by her experience of you and the information that you provide and so may I encourage you to always be honest with them. Secondly, they are directed by their medical knowledge. According to the NHMRC we are recommended to drink no more than 2 standard drinks on any one day to reduce long term health risks and no more than 4 standard drinks on any one drinking occasion to reduce risk of alcohol related injury. Research further supports the concept of having at least 2 days free of alcohol per given week. In reality, this is a generalised recommendation that is difficult to conceive of for many people and it will likely be revised in the future again and again as we come to better understand its direct implications on physical and psychological health. At the end of the day, alcohol is a toxin and each individual’s genetic and biological capacity to rid itself of toxins is unique. Perhaps even a reduction in your drinking by just one drink a day may have a significant positive effect on your physical health both in the short term and the long term. Chat to your GP and other treating professionals about this further.

You

Finally, perhaps you have noticed yourself that you are drinking more than you would like. Are your energy levels low during the day or you are sick of waking up foggy? Are your thoughts less clear and productive throughout the day than they used to be? Alcohol may not be solely to blame for these but it certainly may be a contributing factor. Reflect on how you use alcohol once more. Do you notice yourself using alcohol to get through challenging situations or emotions? Is it boredom, anger, thirst, tiredness, loneliness that triggers your drinking? These are important questions that you may have already considered. Once you get to know your drinking patterns, you will be in a much better position to decide whether you are drinking too much or what action you need to take, if any.

Regardless of your answers, please hold no shame along the way. Own your answers and be proud of these new insights you are gaining about yourself. If it is that you have decided you are drinking too much, take this answer with both hands and not another bottle. Reach out and do something about it. Firstly, make a commitment to change. Inform everyone of your decision to change and how you are going to be doing it. Through this step we hold ourselves accountable to everyone around us as well as us. Then take the next step. If you are interested in doing this on your own the next time you are drinking, here are a few practical recommendations to begin with;

• Set limits for yourself and stick to them (be honest with yourself)

• Start with non-alcoholic drinks and alternate with alcoholic drinks

• Try drinks with a lower alcohol content (there are some amazing tasting mid strength beers available nowadays, or ask the bar for a half pour if you’re drinking spirits).

• Eat before or while you are drinking

• Don’t participate in every round (nobody will complain too much unless its your buy)

If you need support, reach out to a psychologist in your area specialising in this area, a drug/ alcohol treatment facility in your area or online, or a supportive friend. If none of these are available to you get in touch and I’ll do whatever I can to point you in the right direction.

Take care people

Tristan